loveless

2009-12-31T20:46:00.000-05:00

When you're lonely, I wish you Love!
When you're down, I wish you Joy!
When you're troubled, I wish you Peace!
When things seem empty, I wish you Hope!
Have a Happy New Year!

<3

2009-12-31T19:09:00.000-05:00

I envy you.
You dreamers.
You lovers.
You who are oblivious to yourself and others.

i would say im a dreamer.
i would say im a lover.
but i would not say im oblivious.

2009-12-31T18:49:00.006-05:00

To be willing to do anything for someone but then know that you dont have to because they don’t need you. Its a empty feeling. I want someone to need me.

dan, why are you so honest?

I think I can happy....
I think there's a happy person in me.
Who folds back the branches in the dense thicket of my meloncholy...
Peeking out to see if it's safe to come through.....and see who I can really be.
This happiness can be unlocked.
I know it.
Will I allow it though? Thats the real question.

why dan, would you not allow it?
i wish i could show you how to completely.

but who am i to speak, one who hasnt experienced it all...

...I need sleep.
And I'm sure you need to stop reading this.
Whoever this is...I Love You.
And could there be a better thing to recieve from another human being?
That was a sincere I Love You so treasure it.
I rarely hand those out.

i love you too, my princess. <3

2009-12-31T17:46:00.006-05:00

this post is dedicated to you.

as if that means anything...

i dont know why im doing this. its always a bit painful to look deep inside.
i read ur myspace blog posts. and i hear a bit of myself.

iono if it still applies to you.
.
.
.
i changed my mind. i shall do this by giving you giving a response to ur profile.

Hello. My name is Dan. D-A-N. Just how it's spelled.
<3

I'm very intelligent...
ur blunt. >_>
...even though I don't utilize it.

I have a great sense of humor...
LMFAO.
...and love laughing and laughing with others.

I love being with people but I rarely attach myself to anyone because once I do I have a hard time focusing on myself.
people are fun arent they? its hard to get close.
so u focus on them? :]

I've missed out on a lot of things in my life...although I'm young I feel hopeless and in the dark...not certain of anything.
i also feel ive missed out on a lot. but i also feel its never too late.
u dont have to be.

Lately I'm driven by nothing but the longing desperate need to have love. That drunken hopeless love that you only see on the tv or the movies. I want it more than anything...anything.
~

I'm a very passionate person which is my poor excuse for my self destruction...I'm manic depressive even though I don't admit it or show it...I'm a terribly jealous person and also one of the most kindest people you will ever meet.
jealousy. thats part of scorpio. ;p
im nosy too. there are lots of things i dont show. too much.
and...
love how u changed tone there. loll. ^^

I'm always contradicting myself...but I try to do my best to be a good person.I love two things. Movies. Music. They help me survive myself. They are one of the most beautiful mediums that transcend over everyone and one of the sole things that everyone can relate with.
exactly.

I love my family. They are the one thing that has stuck with me and has not given up on me in any way.
i wish i can just say that. dont give me a lecture about family.... >_>

I hide most of my emotions...it's just something about me...I bottle things up and...
me. totally.
...it usually leads to a train wreck but thats who I am.
i try not to let that happen.
shuldnt keep saying that.

If you've guessed I have a extraordinary amount of emotional baggage but that is what really gives me substance and character in my opinion.
true. love you-self.<3

I love talking to people usually but I have terrible trouble starting the conversation...the same goes for phone calls and the like.
it wasnt too bad for us, right?

2009-11-11T00:18:00.001-05:00

i live in a non-asian neighborhood.
so ppl staring at me in the subway or walking down the street is not surprising.
then yesterday,
this man started looking at me.
mutual communication via eye contact without my knowing. o_o
took a seat on one side of the train.
i offered a spare seat to another man and continued standing.
train is then stuffed. i get squished.
when the train clears a bit. im in the middle of the car.
he nods and smiles, staring at me.
as to say "good for you that there's space now."
i just smile. o_o

after a bit...
i use the strap connected to my sleeve as a cup-holder.
take it out after a second so as to not let anyone see this weirdness just yet.
he looks at me amused. o_o

he gets out one stop before mine.
looks back into the car at me.
amused. smiling... o_o

um... bye???!@#
plz? :)
it has to be my blue eyes. -_-"

2009-11-06T23:54:00.002-05:00

only showed this to BESTEST friend...
sigh* 95% true

I was never the emotional type.
Simple and straightforward, usually.
But when it comes to some things,
Conflicting feelings emerge,
Like in family.

I never had a normal family.
My mother, who had a horribly depressing childhood.
Gave me what she thought was best,
Acting but never listening.
Striving hard and independently
(Terribly hard and independently)
For the things she wished she had
And gave me.
I see the love,
But there was no understanding.

And there, I started to build a wall around my feelings.
I didn’t want to show them to them
Anymore.
It feels so awkward when they praise me.
Shouldn’t I be happy?

I barely express my gratitude towards them
For all the things they do.
But I should.
I know I should.
My mom repays her mother with million times more love
Than her mother can ever
Ever repay.
For her mother did nothing.
My mother
Is confused.

Was all that she’d done without a cause?
My parents aren’t totally obligated, you know?
They yell at me saying I’m cold-blooded.
I yell back, feeling wrongly accused,
But I don’t have an argument, do I?
I’m trying,
But it’s not enough.
Where is my love?
Is there any, even?

Why can I not get myself to uncover
And express this love,
Because
It feels too awkward.

I once really believed myself to be cold-blooded.
That I wouldn’t cry for them.
But today I ?rediscovered?
something.
I think it’s love.
I’m pretty sure but not really.
I cried for them
And also cried for myself,
Wishing my voice was heard
Just once.

I try to tell them what’s stopping me.
But do they hear me?
“You’re heartless!”
She told me
In tears.

My future dream family?
A mom:
That’s me.
A dad:
The man I would do anything for
And actually do it.
The man I can pour all my love into,
All the love that could not escape.
I imagine
The man I would live for.
And the man who, of course
Makes me most happy.
Kids:
I’ve learned one thing in life
And that is
To listen.

Now that I think about it,
I reason
This is why I’m so straightforward.
Why I would be so blunt sometimes,
To the people I care about
And the people I do not,
No worrying about the reactions.
And then there are times
When I talk just to be heard.
Everything about me reflects
Me.
I express myself in all ways possible
And let nobody’s views stop me.
I waste no time.
“Does it look like I care?”
“I don’t care if you care.”
Simple as that.

again

2009-11-06T23:40:00.000-05:00

a few days ago had that feeling again. getting accepted to CU. why do i keep thinking of that?
pathetic. keep dreaming with your SAT scores.
omg. it seriously felt real for a second.

i
felt
so
proud.

...seriously sad.

dammit

2009-11-06T23:37:00.000-05:00

Nov 6: It's a serious type mood today and you are able to concentrate on work that requires patience, attention to detail, and precision. It is a good time to learn practical skills, do your taxes, organize your files, and take care of business. You'll want to avoid light social conversation or trivialities that distract you from your work.

can't be more wrong. i'm kinda disappointed now.

bored out of my mind and that's why i'm here.
SATs tom. again, cuz i failed. again.
shuld be studying. had the WHOLE day. did NOT.

horoscope

2009-10-05T21:56:00.000-04:00

October 5: Your left-brain is clicking along like mad today, churning through deep thoughts as if you were a supercomputer. It's a great day to kick back and think things through -- your insights are golden!

that's my horoscope today. mabbe that's why i'm rambling so much. when does the golden stuff kick in?

October 9-10: Monthly career and reputation peak. Your credibility is important at this time of the lunar month, and efforts at self-promotion might be made now. This is the time when you're noticed for what you've done or haven't done. Do your best to be in top form, make career adjustments if needed, and don't be afraid to show others exactly what you're made of. You're at your best when you are showing the world your practical, competent, and responsible side.

how did they know i would have my SATs?
ugh... for what i've done and haven't done.
do they have to be that accurate/ pressuring/ depressing?
can't they just tell me that i'll do well?!

my future is in the stars.
why did i have to be a virgo?

him

2009-10-05T21:40:00.000-04:00

i want to remember him forever.

do i love him?
no... it's more like a one-side friendship.
sadly.

cold and detached, still with a gentle touch.
you let out the silly me.

i know now that you were complaining to her.
i should let go. and i will.
nice knowing you.

cough*

2009-10-05T21:38:00.000-04:00

let's not always try to be poetic.
but let's get this out of my system.

rushing out the double glass doors,
i try to escape,
only to find myself strangled within.

i wonder

2009-10-05T21:28:00.000-04:00

why do the people in dramas have no lives?
do adults really have no friends, except for their colleagues?
all their current phone contacts are of people they met within the series.
mabbe it's just this drama.
i hope i'm not like that in 10 years...

friends just come and go don't they?
i guess so.

college

2009-10-05T21:25:00.000-04:00

i imagine myself getting accepted to columbia.
i smile as if it were reality. i laugh.
only in my dreams.

coffee has me thinking

2009-10-05T21:06:00.000-04:00

crashing from a caffeine rush
why am i so stupid?
staring bleary-eyed at the screen

i can't seem to write today.
do i ever?
this crash has me tired and restless.
i feel my body wanting to shake.
the coffee has me thinking...
but of nothing really.
it's such an odd feeling.

2009-08-03T22:34:00.007-04:00

lets make this a little style blog. nothing much has been happening this summer except for me splurging money on the most unnecessary things...

marching band jackets.
i had wanted one for so so long.
its either i missed it when the jacket was available or it's too expensive.
or i see one in a magazine and still can't locate where to buy it.
gryphon is gonna have one out. $595!!! ><"

peep toes. i used to say i HATED these. thats all i want to wear nows.
woven peep toes? got 4'' heels from topshop.
thinking of getting something from ebay.

and long flowy dresses that could act as tops.

cindy's story

2009-04-28T19:11:00.002-04:00

today after skool, cindy told me the story about her cousin.
the cousin that was more like her sister.
a girl thats living a life i can nvr imagine.

memory. its such a precious thing. its all i have left.

cindy's cousin lost some of her memory.
when cindy looks at her now, she can see almost instantly that something is wrong with the girl.
the girl knows theres something wrong as well.
she asks cindy "cindy, whats wrong with me?"

i dont know whats to say to cindy.
my heart is cold.
as of now, i do not know of the feelings she talks about.

life

2009-04-28T19:05:00.005-04:00

wat a stoopid title. "life."
i think imma have losts of posts like that. >_>

wat has happened to me?!

ive been sleeping in every class these days. even english. (omggg~)
im sorry mr. mott. ;(

im sorry mr. dibbs for doing so badly on the makeup test. aka 39%.
im sorry for not handing in my lab.

wat have i been doing all night?
playing games. tvb...
to the extremes.

SAT/ACT/SATIIs coming up. so screwed.

GET UR ACT TOGETHER GIRL!!! D;<

embarssing moment #532

2008-12-22T23:43:00.001-05:00

well, this is another horrible day. good thing im making a record of this. ><
ill just list some random things for now. will sort them out a little later.
slipped a million times outside the staircase to the bridge of the school.
it was pretty bad. stoopid weather. stoopid boots.
slipped right when i got off the escalator. slided.

ugh

2008-12-14T15:12:00.004-05:00

who: me, of course.
what: fell down the stairs.
when: 9.00pm.
where: mom's office building.
why: bumpy stairs. bit careless. and

injuries: leg bruises, bump on head. >_>

fell down the stairs and crashed into the wall...
what an exciting day.

dont u think so?

mom

2008-12-13T17:02:00.002-05:00

my mom.
definitely the most traditional self-oriented proud stubborn intolerant person i know.
she's frking successful.
but we cant communicate.

professional egg tart

2008-12-12T23:14:00.000-05:00

how can i not post this up?!

its LOOKS like a professional egg tart.

it does have a puffy middle...
and yellow outline of the btwn crust and filling...

but thats another story.

... how does it taste? psh. who cares. ;'[

pumpkin cheesecake

2008-12-12T22:36:00.007-05:00

well, thats wat the recipe says. not quite sure wat i made tho.

one thing: the recipe asked for eggs, mine were like this:

... so yea, i kinda couldnt use them.

i tried some of the finished product!! (before refrigerating)

is it cuz i couldnt resist? no

more like...
i broke the cupcake into pieces trying to put it into a paper cup thingie...
and just decided just to eat it. >.>

FIRST TIME AT CHEESECAKE. so this is understandable. nods*

YUM. <33 ?!

made a mess in the kitchen. dont feel like cleaning it up. =_=

embarssing moment #531

2008-12-08T22:50:00.005-05:00

8th pd. i fell asleep.

...

woke up. no idea wat time it was.

halls. empty.

peeked into my next class. (everyone obviously saw me) and everyone was seated and working.

i was 10 minutes late.

rushed in. EMBARRASSING.

good job, girl. =_=

parents rambles

2008-12-08T21:13:00.002-05:00

WARNING. rambles from a teenage girl. complain-y and annoying.

mom & dad: cant accept the notion that they are wrong.
"we are the boss. (so i cant say anything)"
they say i dont have a right to say anything until i have kids and my kids are more successful than myself.
wth.
wouldnt that mean its too late?!
hello?! the point of me saying something now is cuz i want a change in ur stoopid traditional teach ethic.

they dont get it. never will. why did i even bother. theyll get annoyed. i wont get to buy any new clothes over xmas. (not that i get to much in the first place) they get more annoyed. more threats.
AZN PARENTS THREATS. o.o

sigh* i was extremely frustrated earlier. but now. just sigh*

armwarmers

2008-12-06T21:07:00.010-05:00

the next topic. knitting/crocheting.
im just being rly random right now. o wells.
im a knitter. an beginner intermediate knitter/crocheter. nvr done a big project before tho.
i recently made 2 sets of arm warmers. gray cotton ones and light green merino silk ones. the cotton ones, a bit stiffer but still nice.

gray. crocheted. 2 skool days.
green. knit. took forever.

recently gotten back into knitting. bought $100+ worth of books and yarn recently. not much but if my mom knew, she would kill me.
knit during school time=dead!!
knit whenever = waste of time.

(my mother and grandmother both know how to knit. my grandmother is amazing in everything. skirts. sweaters... she doesnt knit anymore tho. my mom doesnt like knitting. too bad.)

i just bought this hand dyed rly bright colored yarn.

im in a lots of different colors phase. neutrals, brights, i love all of them right now.
but. my favorite color is lemon yellow at the moment. a lemon color phase. i just cant find the right yellow yarn.

****************************************************************************************
TANGENT: my favorite color history:

pink. all little girl's favorite, right?
sky blue. omg. the whole elementary school was in love with sky blue. it was weird.
white. pure white. i still love this color. lots of my clothes is white.
teal. blue green? GREEN BLUE.
green. down to earth yum.

coral came somewhere in the middle of the greens or together.

im still into white. still into blues and greens and corals. whenever i combine yarn colors, they would be blues and greens, sometimes yellows and corals. im also thinking of a rich blue, purple, and light green.

******************************************************************************************************

as i said. im in a color crazy phase.
that explains the gray which i nvr use.

chinatown tourists

2008-12-06T19:29:00.003-05:00

hey everyone. my first post here would be about chinatown tourists. nothing to do with the title of this blog but watever. i like the title. the word. the sadness? the anime.!!

so....
chinatown tourists. im talking about manhattan new york city chinatown tourists.
i grew up in chinatown and am very familiar with the place tho i dont live there.
my parents are very chinese. im very chinese. >.>
whenever i go thru mott or canal street, i always see lots of tourists.
nowadays, there are ppl in the streets calling out to the tourists trying to make them buy fake designer bags and watches, looking very suspicious... xDD lets not fall for them. canal street is full of them.
the canal street with lots of tourists isnt rly chinatown, just new york with lots of 'i love new york' stuff... so less about that.
and then i see tourists walking into these weird buildings in the middle of chinatown i never noticed and have no idea what they are about.
i think they're 'tourist places'.

me and most my classmates agree that the restaurants and places tourists go into rly might not be the best spots to eat or represent real chinese food. for those who dont know alrdy, chinese fast food is not chinese food. i don't eat that stuff.

~recommendations from an insider?. watever u call it.

restaurant

congee village. been eating there since i was a little girl. back when they only had one store space on allen street. to when they had two. to when they opened their branch on bowery. proves theyre good. ><

tenren. not all bubble tea is the same.
FRUIT DRINKS = powder for flavor in many drinks. (which i try to avoid)
ok. i nvr liked tapioca until i came to this tenren. i love their jasmine green milk tea. a mango drink there is a top seller but i dont like it. mabbe its just me.